My heart is spilling emotions, squeezing them through cuts. I’m bruised from keeping this in.
You’ll wake up this morning and find I’ve gone. I could not stay. Not because I didn’t love you, because I do. You know that too. After all the pain and fear and anger have gone (I promise you they will), you will be able to see that once again. Since the day we met my heart has only had eyes for you. I wanted you to feel it, every day. That is why I kissed you, and held you, and watched you tenderly as you cared for us and our home.
My Angel, you have my heart for all time, but I must do this and leave you. I know you would have never let me do it this way, but this is how it must be. We talked about it, but it upset you. For days we tried mending the agony that arose because I brought it up. We got passed it.
Life is cruel. It is taking me from you. Not all of a sudden, a band-aid ripping off the tender scab of a slowly healing wound. No. Slowly. So that what will remain is the shell of the shadow of my shadow. Nothing of me will exist. I cannot bear that. To watch the look of love and honour and trust wither into pity and sorrow. Lines of worry stretching across that beautiful face as you watch my life force slowly ebb from my body into… nothingness. No, my love. It would be torture for me, and in that way, torture for you.
I watched Musazi grieve. Struggle to give away Deeya’s belongings. Watch him look at them with acute loss and try to comfort him as he struggled. His new wife is fighting the ghost of a perfect woman in his eyes. He will make her miserable. She will make him miserable. That is why I took my things. So that the empty space can be filled with love again. Because you deserve it.
Do you understand why I had to leave?
You’re going to be angry, and I understand why. You may grow to hate me, I hope you do not. Just don’t give up on life and love and living it to your fullest.
I did not lie when I said you are my life. If you wither while I wither, I cannot live. Maybe I’ll get better and we can have coffee. But that is wishful thinking, my love.
Don’t say goodbye.
Your forever gal,